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Jaguar diseases


While we are all lovers of things Jaguar, a person
suffering from this disease takes things to the extreme. He or she
is consumed by the notion that there is a better Jaguar to be had
in trade for the one(s) in the garage. Most of those afflicted do
not have the financial wherewithall to support the disease, and
end up bankrupt. 

Those who can support the disease live a peculiar lifestyle. Such a
person is distinguished by having an express-mail subscription
to Hemmings Motor News, their business card is on file with every
major auction house, they are personal friends of "Doc" and all
the other major brokers of used Jaguars, have one of the travelling
appraisal companies on retainer, and live for those stories of
people who bought jags, drove them home and put them in storage
with all of the original paperwork and literature. This sort of
person buys a home with the main criteria being the amount of
land available for garage space and the related zoning restrictions.

They also have incredible collections of Jaguar books, literature,
advertisements, models, paperweights, keychains, umbrellas, towels,
dinnerware, furniture, clothing (including underwear with the
leaping cat on the front and the growling face on the back), and
imitation road signs (e.g. Jaguar Parking Only, and Yield to Jaguars).
The interior of this person's house is decorated predominanantly in
BRG and white, with British Flag and chrome accents.

The less affluent sufferer merely has the express subscription to
Hemmings, and trades cars about once every year or two, having reached
the point that they can't imagine that any other car could have as
many problems as their particular Jaguar. If bankruptcy doesn't stop
this person, eventually they have a breakdown that results in a
major personality shift to Jaguarphobia, wherein they buy a Toyota.


A hatred of all things Jaguar. A state of mind that
is usually preceded by Jaguarphilia with insufficient funds. In
extreme cases, the afflicted person cycles between the two
conditions in a manic-depressive manner.        [cw]


Many of us are interested in improving upon some
of the quirky little faults that make up the Jaguar personality,
especially when they affect the reliability or safety of the
particular car. On sporting models, it is also typical to seek
performance enhancements, including nonoriginal engines.

Such natural desires should not be confused with
improvementitis. This person professes to love Jaguars while at the
same time detesting every part of the car that was installed by
the factory. There is some speculation that this may be related to
multiple personality disorders. He or she thinks that NOS stands for 
Nasty Original Stuff. Any fault in the car is viewed as an excuse
to replace some component with a "better" part, often of GM or Delco
origin. Such people are often disciples of the owner of John's Cars,
live by his Broken Kitty catalog, and turn first to his monthly
diatribe in each new issue of Hemmings Motor News. As far as this
person is concerned, there  is no part in the Jaguar for which a
suitable replacement cannot be found at the local discount auto
parts store (or by modifying something dragged home from the

For example, a dirty connector to the ECU means that "the
stinking little box should be chucked" and since it is too much trouble
to retrofit the Jaguar engine, that should be replaced by a Chevy V8.
This leads to a new drivetrain, exhaust system, cooling system,
modified suspension, wider wheels, flared fenders, supercharging,
a custom fiberglass bonnet with air scoops and a Eurolight conversion, 

A little static on the radio leads to an all new stereo system in which the
boot becomes a sealed bass enclosure (after the rusty rear valence is 
replaced with a custom fiberglass aero design) and the rear seat
becomes an amplifier rack. Then there are the little touches like
the Nardi steering wheel, the sheepskin seat covers, the golf-ball
shift lever handle, the fuzzy dice, the front and rear spoilers,
and the neon underbody illumination. With a complete black-out
paint job to hide all of the chrome and black-out window treatment
to hide the interior, this person may eventually be satisfied with
their XJ-6 and move on to more interesting projects such as 
hotrodding a Mark V or converting an XK-120 into a dune-buggy.  [cw]

Shipwright's disease

Goes something like this:

Sailor owns boat.
Boat has burned out light in galley.
Sailor decides to change bulb.
Sailor notices socket is corroded, decides to change socket.
Sailor notices wiring frayed while trying to change socket.
Sailor decides to change wiring.
Sailor notices galley ceiling slats are rotted while changing the wire.
Sailor decides galley ceiling slats need changing.
Sailor notices ...

this goes on and on and on and on and pretty soon, Sailor is undertaking a 
major renovation of his boat because of a burned out lightbulb. [wz]

There is also:

Wakeman's Syndrome

Wherein many perfectly functional trim and interior pieces, which looked and
worked just fine before the restoration is started, suddenly appear too shabby
to use and must be replaced at great cost, after the bodywork is finished and
the shining new paint job is applied. [lb]

and the newly discovered:

Post-Jaguar Shock

Often misdiagnosed as schizophrenia, the symptoms are that, upon sale of their
Jaguar, the patient is simultaneously struck down by dark melancholy, longing
and depression at it's loss, while, at the same time, experiencing tremendous
relief at finally getting rid of the damn thing and keen anticipation of the
coming hunt for a replacement Jaguar. [lb]

What do you mean "newly discovered"? I've been suffering ever since I sold
my E-type in 1977 (and my wife even said "are you really sure you don't want to
keep it and get something else for work?") [rr]

In each case, once infection has begun, the cures can only be measured
in doses of cubic dollars. [lb]

Concouritis Nervosa which the sufferer endlessly cleans the nooks and crannies of the car with
Q-tips, toothpicks, cotton balls, toothbrushes, etc. And applies an endless
stream of Armor-all, Zymol, Lexol, Simichrome and so on to the car.

A drive in the car becomes a nightmare in which dump trucks carrying gravel,
freshly resurfaced roads, rain, mud, and areas where bugs congregate must be
avoided. Small children, dogs, and incontinent elder relatives are forbidden
from riding in it.

Amazingly, many of these people never show their cars at concours events
because of the fear that some judge will discover the carefully touched up
chip in the bonnet paint that the owner can still see with a 10X loupe when the
light is juuust right.]

Assembler's Malaise.

This disease, which resembles procrastination, occurs when the
assembler's standards exceed the assembler's perceived skill level,
ie. "I can't do the job as well as it should be done."  So nothing
gets done.
There are a couple remedies for Assembler's Malaise:
1. Farm out the job to professionals.  Pride and budget constraints often 
    prohibit this.
2. Lower your standards.  This is tough to do but a bit easier with an MG 
    than an Aston Martin.  One of the lessons of restoring my MG-TC was 
    realizing how poorly the bodies were originally assembled.  Usually the 
    two sides didn't match but I wanted them to!
3. Group therapy: ask some friends to help get the job going again.

The worst possible manifestation of this disease is a long period of 
inactivity followed by selling the project - usually at a big loss.

Fortunately, subscribers to this list seem to be Can-Do types who are 
not likely to be afflicted with Asembler's Malaise.  We're the ones who 
track down and buy the rare old Something-or-other which has been 
apart in some barn for years - and we get it back together again!

George - about to begin restoration #4 - Haynes                 [lb]


Thanks to:
[rr]    Rob Reilly 
[hr]    Hedley Rainnie 
[jl]    John R. Lupien 
[jb]    John Butler 
[wz]    Will Zehring 
[kp]    Kirby Palm 
[lb]    Lawrence Buja 
[pg]    Paul Garside 
[caw]   Clifford A. Wilkes
[cw]    Chip Weems 
[mw]    Mark Whidby , 
[ch]    Clive Hallatt 
[sd]    Steve DuChene 


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